Middle Age (part 1)

On Friday I'm going to turn 38.

That's closer to 50 than to 20.

I'm terrified.

Little Flowers

One of my students was given some pink washing up gloves as a mothers day present from her 28 year old daughter. I said that, in England, that would be quite an insulting present (and explained why). But she was happy - they had small flowers on them.

Woman, know your place....

And the rest of her day? She cooked and cleaned as normal. I think the point was missed but that's Japan for you.

All I Want...

I'm writing this gritting my teeth through period pains, determined to not reach for the painkillers. I can do it...

It's the middle of - actually, it's almost the end of - Golden Week holiday - a series of one-day national holidays to celebrate various things that most Japanese probably aren't aware of. Actually, that's my (not so) secret mission for the next five working days - to see how many adult students actually know what the national holidays were for.

I should feel rested. I should feel energised. I should have done lots and lots of studying. But I don't, I'm not, and I haven't.

I've had some nice days hanging out with people and some days exhausted at home - trying to study but just not feeling like it.

Exhausted. I have never felt so exhausted in my life. All I want is to not feel exhausted. All. The. Time. All this year. I mean, sure, I've felt knackered before, but to feel SO totally wiped out?

So why AM I in this state?

Well, the MRSA earlier this year really knocked it out of me. For weeks afterwards even walking to the station was quite an effort. I went straight back to work after hospital. I threw myself - tried to throw myself - into the diploma. I changed jobs. I got a promotion. I got 5 days of new students. New responsibilities. I got further behind and more stressed about getting further behind in the diploma. I felt people were wanting too much. Even in a nice way - but just too much. I started getting stressed about the future. About my age. About babies. About my weight. About the amount of time I don't have for the small things - and the bigger things - that I need to do. My sleep pattern fucked up. I fucked up my sleep pattern. My routine changed totally and fucked up my sleep pattern.

All I want is to play with time. I'd like to turn the clock back a few months (or years for that matter) - or at the least add a few hours to the day.