All I Want...

I'm writing this gritting my teeth through period pains, determined to not reach for the painkillers. I can do it...

It's the middle of - actually, it's almost the end of - Golden Week holiday - a series of one-day national holidays to celebrate various things that most Japanese probably aren't aware of. Actually, that's my (not so) secret mission for the next five working days - to see how many adult students actually know what the national holidays were for.

I should feel rested. I should feel energised. I should have done lots and lots of studying. But I don't, I'm not, and I haven't.

I've had some nice days hanging out with people and some days exhausted at home - trying to study but just not feeling like it.

Exhausted. I have never felt so exhausted in my life. All I want is to not feel exhausted. All. The. Time. All this year. I mean, sure, I've felt knackered before, but to feel SO totally wiped out?

So why AM I in this state?

Well, the MRSA earlier this year really knocked it out of me. For weeks afterwards even walking to the station was quite an effort. I went straight back to work after hospital. I threw myself - tried to throw myself - into the diploma. I changed jobs. I got a promotion. I got 5 days of new students. New responsibilities. I got further behind and more stressed about getting further behind in the diploma. I felt people were wanting too much. Even in a nice way - but just too much. I started getting stressed about the future. About my age. About babies. About my weight. About the amount of time I don't have for the small things - and the bigger things - that I need to do. My sleep pattern fucked up. I fucked up my sleep pattern. My routine changed totally and fucked up my sleep pattern.

All I want is to play with time. I'd like to turn the clock back a few months (or years for that matter) - or at the least add a few hours to the day.