I should be asleep. It's the early hours and I have work tomorrow but I can't get the sensible part of my brain - the part that's telling me how tired I'll be at work tomorrow - to take control of the part of my brain that wants to think, worry and be generally anxious about life.
It's been an odd week. It's been a quiet week, actually. Nightmare kindy finished last week - thank fuck - and this week I had just one kindy afternoon and another day where my lessons were observed by a guy from our company. He said he enjoyed watching my lessons. He said I was a good teacher. Oh how easy it is to fool people! - Seriously, it WAS nice to get positive feedback. It's too easy in life to be undervalued or ignored unless you do something wrong or someone wants something more from you. A nice comment or two really means a lot. Shame so few managers seem to agree with that.
Actually, that wasn't the only thing that made me feel good this week. Totally unexpectedly, I was offered a senior teacher position. I'd heard through the grapevine the old senior teacher wasn't going to be replaced, but I guess they changed their minds. That - as well as the kindy comments - kind of gave my ego a bit of well-deserved stroking!
So, why the anxiety? Well, it's all pretty stupid really. I don't really know exactly what the senior teacher position involves for one thing. Another thing is I'm actually getting a totally new schedule in April. I'd expected at least one (if not two) of my days to stay the same. That's like 50+ new classes to find out about. It's totally starting from scratch without any students I have a rapport with.
Thankfully the senior teacher job is in a school I know well and the other two days are in schools I'm working in now - but on different days.
But then it kind of fell apart today when I got a reminder of how bad communication can be in this company.
A to B: Jo bla bla bla. Don't tell Jo you know.
B to me: Is bla bla bla true?
me to A: What exactly has B been told? I thought nothing was definite about anything.
A to me: B shouldn't have said anything to you.
B to me: Don't tell A I said anything to you.
Gaaaaah! It all came flooding back how bad communication can be in the company.
I will miss teaching large groups though. And I'll miss the office lessons too. I won't miss the split days, the running around, the disorganisation in some companies....
And it'll be so nice to be with other teachers again. Most of my current working week is spent in isolation from other teachers.
On the health front - I'm pretty sure all the symptoms from the bacterial infection are gone and all the side effects from the drugs. The flu I caught is gone too. But I do have a cold and a ragingly sore throat this week! One day I'll be okay again!
It's nearly 3am. I've not read back over what I've just written. I hope it makes some kind of sense!
So, in the cold light of day, after some five hours sleep, I think the conclusion of this is that I'm a worrier. I like worrying about things. It's totally irrational, but that's me. Irrational. And not so secure within myself that I feel confident about what I do - hence why it's so nice to get comments on my teaching. Otherwise, I go from day to day thinking that if a lesson went really well, then I'm a really good teacher. Likewise, if something didn't work out the way I wanted it to in a lesson, I tend to think I'm a really bad teacher. Maybe every teacher feels that way. I don't know. I think the main anxiety here though can simply be summed up by saying a total change is both very exciting - clean slate and all that - and quite scary. And all of those getting to knows to go through!
Right. I'm off to do some studying now before going to work. Catch you later.