Random thoughts, comments, observations and general fluff from a random bint who left London at the end of September 2004 to embark on a new life and new adventures in Tokyo, land of the cute.... and is leaving mid-June 2010 - and counting!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Great big grey bubble

Have you ever felt that you have something pressing down on you, totally overwhelming you and dragging you down, like a balloon inside of you that sometimes expands so much you almost have trouble breathing and other times you can keep under control enough to be able to function with a semi-forced smile on your face when all you really want to do is stay holed up wallowing in you don't really know what and feeling that it's just not worth doing anything functional, where getting up, going out and appearing 'normal' is just one huge struggle, but you go through the motions anyway, never being completely satisfied by anything, always looking for something or someone or someplace that may or may not exist and where the hope of finding it is almost as big as the fear of finding it and the hope of figuring out just what 'it' is that you are searching for, where going out and being with people isn't so much a joy as a way of stopping you from floating around in your own head too much and where things just don't make any sense, and where for the last few years you have realised that you have absolutely no idea what you are doing or why you are doing it or what else you should be doing and you just don't know how to get out of your hole or find your way but you're starting to have had enough of the searching for the elusive something that probably doesn't exist, and where you can't think of any time in your life where you actually found the elusive happiness that you see around you and so figure out must exist, where you know things should be done or need to be done but it's all just too much effort to do it, where you are tired all the time but can't seem to get around to wanting to go to sleep, where you need to tidy, you need to exercise, you need to sort your life out but it's just all too much effort... and you sit instead in the numbness of your own pain and wait and wait and wait for the great big grey bubble that's been sitting inside you for some 30-odd years to finally burst?

Welcome to my life.


Blogger Liisa said...

Big hug Jo.
Sounds like a bad case of PMS.
Everyone fights with the same void of empty space inside, or at least all the people I know. Some days it's easier to accept its excistence, some days you just don't function, because it is just too much. I bet there isn't a human without it. Though knowing that doesn't make it easier to cope with it on bad days.
Hang in there!

6:48 pm

Anonymous Lulu said...

I do know how you feel. I often feel like this although lucky it comes around less and less often now!

I do hope you feel better soon...Hang in there. If you feel like doing nothing, then do nothing....or just watch movies and relax!

Are you up for drinks on Friday maybe? Send me a msg on facebook if you are!

8:56 pm

Blogger Sigsy said...

You seem to be doing a great job of hiding it, making things happen and surrounding yourself with lovely people and bringing people together.
Look after yourself. You have been a raw trouper and brought that loveliness into my life. Along with a lot of other loveliness in the shape of Nix the Pix, Jen, Sharon, Raw, Andi and Angi, you get the picture.
Maybe you are on this earth to enjoy facilitating these kinds of things.
You are well liked, a great writer, brave, pro-active and interesting. Noone else is like you in so many ways.
And yes, I do feel like that sometimes.

10:47 pm

Blogger Timorous Beastie said...

Maybe acting normal is enough to make you normal, if you know what I mean (which you probably don't, 'cos I'm talking bullshit). What I mean is that sometimes the only way to stop "the thing" from dragging you down is to pretend that it's not. The eventually you look and it's not actually dragging you down any more. Phew. Bet you're glad you've got me in your comments box.

5:48 pm

Blogger The Pixy Princess said...

Anywhere other than a 10 hour flight away and I would have said... let's go meet and do something!
Like fly a kite!

7:16 am

Blogger Jo said...

Thanks guys!

Sigs - anythings easy to hide after a few drinks, innit!

12:37 am

Blogger Karen said...

I hope you're feeling a bit better, or at least more grounded these days. Sometimes I have that big grey bubble trap me as well and it can feel impossible to find a way out sometimes. Usually it's something slight that shifts - a good night's sleep, a sunny day, a good hair day - and things are back to normal again and my perpective is more clear. For me, I think a lot of it is tied to hormones, and if I don't work to get out of it, it can linger around long after it should.
Hang in there - use the support systems you have and don't be afraid to ask for help, or even just someone to listen. I think the blogging can be a great release that way.

8:10 am

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel like that a lot of the time actually. I think I might be hooked on the longing as such. I can't imagine my life without it, because I have almost always wanted to be somewhere else, doing something else, and more often than not I'd not have a clear idea of what it is that I really want. Or I would, and then I'd get there and realize it's not at all right for me.
Anyway, I agree with Sigsy...

10:00 pm


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